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The Convict’s resignation honours list – a sneak peek

John Crace

Boris Johnson is preparing to decorate those without whom none of the last three years would have been possible

Boris Johnson holds a hand to his mouth during the Lord Mayor’s Banquet in central London in November 2021
Boris Johnson ponders an MBE for Jacob Rees-Mogg: ‘He’ll want more than that but he’s desperate enough to take anything.’ Photograph: Tolga Akmen/AFP/Getty Images
Boris Johnson ponders an MBE for Jacob Rees-Mogg: ‘He’ll want more than that but he’s desperate enough to take anything.’ Photograph: Tolga Akmen/AFP/Getty Images

With nothing else to do with his time, Boris Johnson has spent the last 24 hours working on his hotly anticipated resignation honours list. We managed to obtain an exclusive preview.

Stanley Johnson A hereditary peerage in recognition of his work for violence against women and for his extraordinary versatility. He is an example to all of us of the importance of having no principles whatsoever. He taught me everything I know. And it just so happens that when he dies, I will end up with the title. Fancy that.

Wilfred and Romy Johnson Lady Carrie, as she will one day become, has just pointed out to me that neither Wilf nor Romy have to be awarded any trinkets and will not inherit a title. So in the meantime I confer on them the Honourable Order of the Drinks Trolley, which will entitle them to keep the £3,500 Nureyev trolley that belongs to the Downing Street flat.

Any other Johnsons It’s possible that some of you may have the self-worth to turn down an honour from me but, assuming that you don’t, there’s plenty for all of you. Am not sure I can necessarily swing any more peerages, but a knighthood or a dame is no problem. And if you could all bung me a few grand, that would be a big help. I’m going to be a bit hard up for a while and have nowhere to live. Please PayPal whatever you can to

Paul Dacre The best of the best. The man who embodies the very highest principles of a democratic free press. Polite at all times. Thank you for always answering the phone when I was in trouble and going the extra mile to provide helpful stories in the Daily Mail. For you, nothing less than a peerage is a good enough. From now on you shall be known as Lord Fuck of Fuckshire.

Durham police Like the Met, only special measures is good enough for you. You had one job! For heaven’s sake, there were 13 consecutive days of Daily Mail front page stories telling you that Keir Starmer was guilty of having a Covid party, and yet you still blindly carried on looking at the evidence and cleared him. Whatever happened to policing without fear or favour?

Nadine Dorries The most loyal and stupidest of colleagues. Supporting me even through the really tough times – mainly because she knew no one else but me would ever consider her for a cabinet post. For her the Order of Merit for her services to wrecking the BBC, Channel 4 and literature. Her books are unique. Thankfully.

Jacob Rees-Mogg I’ve never quite seen the appeal of the Moggster. He’s some kind of homunculus in an oversized suit who has never really managed to grow up. But he’ll do anything I say. So he gets an MBE for just breathing. He’ll want more than that but he’s desperate enough to take anything.

Lord Brownlow The walking chequebook no prime minister could do without. He was, quite simply, amazing. I would buy whatever I fancied, send him the bill and he would just pay it. No questions asked. And he has promised me he offers a discreet service for ex-prime ministers. So for him, a second peerage. Lord Lord Brownlow.

Lulu Lytle To be honest, I think Lulu has no taste whatsoever. The wallpaper was absolutely hideous and didn’t even stay stuck to the walls. No wonder Dilyn pissed on it. But Carrie thinks Lulu is a genius, and anything for a quiet life. And to be fair she kept her mouth shut about some of the parties. So she gets an OBE on the proviso she offers us a 75% discount on doing up our next house. Wherever it may be.

Martin Reynolds Good old Party Marty. He may have been useless as a top civil servant in No 10 but he sure could organise some great parties for us all in Downing Street when we were all under the cosh with Covid. The fun we had. I’ll never forget the bodies piled up in the flower beds. So he gets a K and becomes ambassador to Saudi Arabia. Love to see how he gets on in a dry country!

Alexander Lebedev If his son can get a peerage, then Alex must be in line for one. Hell, he’s certainly earned it by not blabbing about that party in Italy. Christ, I must have been pissed for the whole weekend because I remember next to nothing. Hope I didn’t leak anything to the KGB. Arise Lord Lebedev of Lubyanka.

Chris Evans There has to be a bauble for the editor of the Daily Telegraph. After all, I’ll be needing my regular £350k a year gig for knocking off one badly written column a week. Or maybe we could round that up to an even £500k now. After all, inflation is above 10% now. Just wait till I find out who has been prime minister all this time. What’s that you said, Chris? Absolutely old boy. Knight companion of the garter it is.

Conor Burns Some things, once seen, cannot be unseen. But you have done valiantly to contain your PTSD … And for your silence, you get a K.

Simon Case I can’t tell you how convenient it is to have a cabinet secretary who is so terminally dopey. Someone who notices almost nothing and does even less. He doesn’t even react when he knows I’m lying. Superb. So if you’re still awake, Simon, there’s a knighthood waiting for you on your desk.

Evgeny Lebedev Yes, yes, I haven’t forgotten you. Will a CBE do you this time? Usual terms. A million quid in used euros. Or a “Prince Charles”, as we call it now.

The owner of Luxury Treehouses Ltd I’ve no idea of your name, but there’s an OBE in it for you if you can find your way into giving me a free £150k treehouse. I promise to promote it by being photographed in it while I’m writing my memoirs. Much like that fool David Cameron and the shepherd hut.

Chris Pincher You’ve had a rough time of it recently, old boy. Anyone of us could have caught out groping when we were pissed. So hopefully a K makes up for things a bit.

Michael Gove It’s a stunning achievement to have been sacked by three different prime ministers for disloyalty. Not even I managed that. So I’m creating the Ancient Order of the Turncoat just for you. I look forward to you being fired a fourth time by whoever replaces me.

Matt Hancock I know how desperately you and Gina want to be Sir Matt and Lady Hancock. Which is why I’m not going to give it to you! Your neediness is just far too enjoyable. Dream on.

  • The headline of this article was amended on Friday 8 July 2022 to correct a spelling error.

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The politics sketch

The politics sketch

  • The Convict remains true to himself with a very on-brand resignation

  • Boris takes a battering in what may be his last PMQs

  • Raab hits his nadir defending The Convict – then it all hits the fan

  • MPs give Boris Johnson a soft landing after a week of summiteering

  • His suit a mess, bags under his eyes, jet-set Boris still thinks he’s a catch

  • Rayner outwits a condescending Raab in a bloodless PMQs pantomime

  • Simon Case refuses to come clean about his dirty work for Boris Johnson

  • Laughter and forgetting with Liz as she prepares to break Brexit deal

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